People are often terrified of different things. Personally, my irrational fear is heights. Others are scared of monsters, murderers, creepy animals, etc. And some are scared of internet memes like Momo. I have grown to love horror movies and the paranormal, but I found that it doesn’t scare me as it was meant to scare.
What really absolutely terrifies me is death. Not the personification of a skull guy in a hoodie, but death, dying. It’s something people think of taboo when speaking to someone terminally ill or with a life-threatening disease. Now, I have been reassured that people often make it past kidney failure and live complete lives, but the thought of death is still there.
I like to find answers and understand things, this helps quell my fears. But death on the other hand comes with too many questions and not enough answers. Will my family be ok? How will Isla grow up without a father? Is death just an empty void?
This is what scares me.
You know when you first buy something like a car or shoes, but then you start noticing it everywhere. Like everyone has what you bought? Having this disease has either amplified my notice of death. These past few years I’ve learned a lot about people I know. As I have spoken to many of my friends and family, a few have expressed that either they have developed diabetes or their kidneys are failing too. It was very surprising to hear this from many of my friends who still live that care-free life. I’ve also learned that a couple people I’ve met or know recently passed away from kidney failure. That leads me to question, what happened? Why? Were they diagnosed and still didn’t take care of themselves. Is it something that just happens to dialysis patients? I’m struggling really hard not to fall to this disease. It is terrifying to think that I can just go that easy. I try to rationalize it by saying they might have not been taking care of themselves. I don’t know their story and the struggles they were really facing.
But I do keep fighting…for my life, for my family.